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I suffered from anxiety as far back as I can remember.

Looking back, I realize that I was nervous even as a kid. I am 58 years old, by the way. It is a very sad irony that my mother (may she rest in peace) passed away suddenly when I was 12 years old. This might make you think that trauma caused me to have severe anxiety. Well it did, and certainly the course of my life was horribly altered, but I know that I was an anxiety sufferer before she died. I was one of those children that almost literally hung onto mom’s apron strings. (Women wore aprons all day long in those days). I can remember hiding behind mom’s skirt when we went to visit the day camp that my friend attended. THERE WAS NO WAY THAT I WOULD CONSIDER GOING TO CAMP. It was bad enough that I had to go to school. I don’t really remember kindergarten, but I have photos of myself that trigger some deep seated fear when I look at them.

The first day of school every year was an indescribable horror for me. I remember the dread that I felt every year ALL SUMMER LONG. Naturally, I have a July birthday: weeks between the last day of school in June till my birthday sped by like lightening, and the weeks from my birthday till Labor Day were a blur. It took me until January to develop a level of comfort in my new class that would allow me to brush my teeth while getting ready for school without throwing up. I never ever ate breakfast. Till the day he passed away at age 88, my Dad (may he also rest in peace) would say to me “Did you eat breakfast? How can you leave the house without eating?”

I don’t know if my parents took me everywhere with them because I was such a lunatic, or because they had no money to pay a babysitter. But I am sure this fed into my separation anxiety. We went to the movies as a family, out for ice cream as a family, to the beach as a family, and to see the fireworks as a family.

If I had a date with a friend (In those days we didn’t call it a date, you know.) I would be beside myself. I wanted to go to her house, but I was so nervous about it. So, when she arrived to pick me up and her mom honked the horn, I went into the bathroom to throw up, and then went on the date. (Read the post “Social anxiety was a huge part of my condition“)

When I was 7 years old, I took tap dance lessons. I was a little star. My mother suggested that I bring my tap shoes and music record from my routine and perform at my class Christmas party. I refused. So mom, feeling that deep down I would love to perform, sent the shoes and record to school with my sister (who was 4 years older). When my sister walked into the classroom with my things, I IMMEDIATELY vomited. I held my mouth shut tight to hold it in and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall and continued to throw up. I was so nervous and embarrassed that I refused to come out of the bathroom until the end of the day. (I presume this incident happened close to 3:00 anyway.)

By the time I was in college, the diarrhea had started. It was as if a button in my intestines was pressed when something provoked anxiety in me. I had to immediately find a toilet or I was in trouble. I got married very young - age 19. I was a sophomore in college. My husband (he was only 21) knew all about my anxiety, and he was willing to work through it with me.  I became pregnant after 5 years of marriage.

I can remember watching our newborn daughter sleep and wondering what I knew about being be a mother. I felt a dull, heavy sense of dread. What if she gets sick? What will I do? How can I keep her well? (I am having a slight stomach ache writing about this.) I had no guidance in this area from my mother-in-law or my stepmother. I was on my own.

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Comments»

1. Lirpaloo - July 27, 2007

I felt your pain in your story. I can totally relate to that. The first day of school was always traumatic for me. I really think it was me mirroring my mother and her insecurities about me going to school (she suffers from severe anxiety/panicattacks/depression/lowself-esteem) But, not to blame her..she was only doing the best that she could.
In my teens, I was rebellious and got into the wrong crowd. I was suspended and arrested for intoxication in high school. I spiralled down a dark hole for the next few years. Then it was pills, pot alcohol, extacy, coke, what ever was around. But my love affair was with pills.
This all stemed from my inner pain that I wasn’t good enough. I never felt beautiful or smart or normal for that matter.
With time, soul searching, new friends, and finding the love of my life and having a baby with him.. I have made 180 turnaround!!!

But I still struggle with social anxiety. Especially with a certain required class I have to take in college: Oral Communication!! I have been dodging this class, but it has come back to me and I MUST take it. I feel if I just took it and got over it I would feel so good about me. LIke I could conquer anything!!!
But it absolutely terrifies me. It’s not a normal fear to have at the degree in which I have it!!! But I am manning up and taking it and I will probably puke before I go on. But I plan on taking some kind of sedative to calm me down so I don’t have a panic attack.

To put this to you the best way is to JUST DO IT! You will be the greatest mother you allow yourself to be. It’s all inside of you! Lean on friends and your innate motherly instinct. It is there, get in touch with it and you will be in touch with your baby!! Good Luck!
p.s. I am a mommy, so if you need advice on anything or an hear to listen…

Love, Lirpaloo