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Just When My Anxiety is Under Control, Life Acts UP

Living with generalized anxiety disorder is difficult. Here I am, spouting how well I do with my anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. Then, suddenly, I turn around and find myself face to face with a life situation with the potential of driving me over the edge. It is hard not to feel like I am “being tested”. It is hard to remain confident that I will get through yet another mini disaster.

I admit that without my xanax, I might not make it through those days. Not even the best of anti-anxiety medication can always be enough for someone like me. Well, on the other hand, I don’t know how the general population gets through extenuating stressful circumstances without a little help from a pill or a drink. My guess is that most people have some crutch to help hold them up. I am telling you all about my tools, but most people don’t tell their real feelings or real stories of personal suffering.

I have a dear friend who has been listening to me emote for 30 years. She is a rock for me and never puts me off. She often helps with advice that shakes things into perspective for me. However, she rarely talks to me about her daily challenges. Two years ago she lost her husband to cancer, at the early age of 57. She has NEVER cried to me, never talked about the cancer, about the last days, about losing him. I am quite sure she has never talked to anyone about this. She refused to go for grief counseling or therapy.

This friend keeps her sanity by keeping her home in order. For example, after her an eagerly awaited visit from her son, his wife and the grandchildren from out of town, my friend cannot relax until she puts the bedding and the toys back where they go in the closet. She has to clean out the refrigerator the same day. Until she gets the car washed, until she gets the sand vacuumed out of the trunk, she can’t sit down.

But she rarely talks about day to day problems or concerns for her children, both adults in their 30’s, like mine. Surely her children and grandchildren can’t have perfect lives. I know that mine are not the only ones who cause stress to their parents.

I am just saying that some people have to talk about life’s difficulties, and some don’t. Clearly I am one of those people that must talk. If I could not talk (write) about my anxiety and emotional pain, I think I would explode.

I know that because of my anxiety disorder I am more vulnerable to stress than the general population. Thus the term anxiety disorder. But I feel proud today to have gotten through one of those tough weeks with my family and come out standing at the other end. However, while it was happening I thought I would drown in my sorrow. Being disappointed in or worried about a child is one of the hardest things for a parent to face. And now I have the grandchildren to worry about too.

It is so important to have your own life. At the age of 59, if I had nothing of my own to keep me going, I would dwell forever on my family’s shortcomings and problems. I would shrivel up and die. My own interests and friends are my lifeline at this point.

Look out for yourself. No one else will.

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Comments»

1. Elby - January 12, 2007

Feelings of depression can also occur because of this excessive stress that we need to cope with. While there are therapies and medications that can deal with full blown anxiety disorders, you might want to practice a few techniques for coping with anxiety and stress.
Elby

2. freebird - January 13, 2007

Elby,
I agree with you totally. I take yoga classes which help immensely. Specifically, the deep breathing exercises. Thanks for your imput.

3. Lirpaloo - July 27, 2007

Some people emote, like you and others hideaway in cleaning or doing some other distraction. It is great that you choose to share your feelings and I know you want some feedback from her. Give her some time. We are all on our own path to spiritual enlightenment. Focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place. You should read The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav… it changed my llife in every way a person can be changed. I highly recommend it!!!
Lirpaloo