Social Anxiety was a huge part of my condition.
I didn’t know it had a name, but I knew that I was unable to socialize without suffering from extreme anxiety. I developed somatic symptoms of diarrhea, stomach cramps and nausea. I would get nervous during the most mundane activity like going to the supermarket. As soon as I would start shopping, I had to go to the bathroom. My nervous stomach would act up at the most inconvenient times. Thus began the cycle of worrying that I would have to go to the bathroom in the supermarket, on the bus, subway, etc. My anticipatory anxiety tortured me.
The anticipatory social anxiety was powerful, making me dread any activity involving people, even if they were my friends. The more time I had to worry about it, the worse my social anxiety became. I would be nauseous throughout an entire evening out with friends. People would always ask me if I felt okay, as I picked at my food and moved it around the plate to make it look like I had eaten something. My husband loved to socialize and this became a big bone of contention for us. Although he sympathized with my anxiety issues, it was hard for him to tolerate the way they interfered with our quality of life.
As a member of the walking wounded club (see the post “The results of my visit to the psychiatrist“) I somehow managed to graduate from college. I became a teacher. Another irony. Why choose a job that confines you to a room with children so that if you have to run to the bathroom you can’t? Luckily, my best friend at the time taught in the classroom next to me. So I was able to run by and say “Watch my class? I have to use the bathroom.” To this day I occasionally have nightmares where I am a teacher in a strange school and I have no key to the bathroom. Or, if I have the key, there are never any bathrooms on the floor that I am on.
Even spending time with a close friend would be cause for panic. As I would sit with her, my mind would be racing around, telling me it was impossible for me to relax and enjoy myself. My stomach would rumble and I would be unable to concentrate. I would never admit to my discomfort because it was too embarrassing. How did I live so long with this condition? It was not enough that I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder my whole life. I also was doomed to have social anxiety disorder as well. Depression was a natural result of these 2 conditions.
I suffered for so many years, not getting help from anti-anxiety/depression medications until i was in my 40’s. Once I felt well and realized what I’d missed for the first half of my life because of my anxiety disorder, I felt cheated. But I can’t go back. I am learning to savor the moment. That is what we all must learn to do. This is not a dress rehearsal.
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- Posted in : generalized anxiety disorder
- Author : freebird
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[…] Just Got Back From an Anxiety Free Vacation I am thrilled to report that I had a fabulous vacation. In other words, my anti anxiety medication is working great. I went to France for the first time - with a group of women. I was able to relate well to everyone without feeling intimidated or nervous. I was able to enjoy myself! I relaxed, joked and FUNCTIONED. This is a huge thing for me, since years ago I was not even capable of going out for dinner with friends. (See the post “Social Anxiety was a Huge Part of my Condition“) […]
Do you think you could do it without medication? I am warmed by your above comment and it gives all sufferers hope - but at the expense of taking medication?
I personally would prefer never to take pharmaceutical medications - so battle on regardless. Did you try to go the open road alone?
I was in talk therapy for years and years. This was a bandaid that did not last much past each session. When the medication started to work, IT WAS LIKE A SWITCH WAS TURNED ON IN MY BRAIN. I cannot stress enough that medication is a necessity for anxiety that is not otherwise alleviated by talk therapy.