Psychotherapy was my first attempt to free myself from anxiety and depression.
So once my second child Evan was in the picture, I think I really operated on pure adrenalin in a robotic manner. I would never let anything happen to my babies. They now became the reason for waking up each day. I focussed on them completely. If I had any other life before, it no longer existed. I felt like a juggler. I can’t imagine how mothers of twins manage. After all, my kids were 3 1/2 years apart. That should not have been so difficult. But it was. I was not able to cope like a normal mother. I was not able to enjoy my babies.
It is really odd that I was unwilling to relinquish control of my babies. You would think that I would relish time away from them. But I did not trust anyone to do the right thing - not even my husband. I had no support from either set of grandparents for various reasons which I won’t go into. Suffice it to say I felt scared and trapped at home taking care of my children, but I was afraid that I was the only one who could take care of them.
We received a visit from a couple that was quite evolved in that they had both been in psychotherapy for many years. In the 70’s people did not speak of emotional problems as readily as they do today. This couple took one look at me and told me that I needed help. They said I was depressed and need not suffer like that. They got a referral from their psychotherapist for someone to see me in my neighborhood. I put the phone number on my refrigerator. I looked at it every day but was terrified to make the call. How does an anxious, depressed person get up the nerve to make an appointment with a therapist? It took me several weeks to work up the courage to call him. That was the beginning of my journey to feel better.
Over the next 20+ years I began to learn how to stand up for myself, how to feel more confident, how to try and get along with my husband. Notice please that I said BEGAN TO LEARN. Although my new self had begun to evolve, there was a point beyond I could not go.
I still cried easily. I still got an electric charge in the pit of my stomach over seemingly minor things. When my kids had the sniffles, I could not sleep. I lived with a constant sense of dread, which was particularly paralyzing first thing in the morning. But I kept going. Walking wounded, march on. (See the blog “The results of my visit to the psychiatrist.”)
Tags: psychiatrist, psychotherapy, postpartum depression
- Posted in : generalized anxiety disorder, anxiety symptoms, depression, worry
- Author : freebird
Comments»
im 19, and for as long as i can remember ive been unhappy- jumpy, irritable, uneasy, and at my worst times even twitchy. ive felt this for a long time. im so so unhappy, but i dont really know what to say to my parents. im just ashamed that i feel this way, what if im just overreacting to how i feel? and this is just normal? i feel horrible, if this is normal i cant live like this anymore! how do i ask for help? or even approach this? what if i go to the doctor and he tells me im fine! i think id go crazy! i dont know what to do!
Dear Kay,
You did not leave your email address or I would have contacted you directly. I hope you read this. If you go see a psychiatrist and describe how you feel and how you have always felt, he will NOT tell you that you are crazy or have nothing wrong with you. This is a chemical imbalance. If you had diabetes, would you be ashamed? You can feel better. You are old enough to go to the doctor yourself if you feel your parents would not understand. Please give yourself this gift of a REAL LIFE. Let me know how it goes!!!!!!!!!